My pee leaks. What are ya gonna do? When my schnutz start to stew I know it's time to change the pad. I yell for Mavis, she’s my aide, how many pads we got? I had her count yesterday. There were only 15 packages. 48 each. Mavis is a good girl but she wrongly believes there is such a thing as having too many pads. And are they the green ones? The purple ones, too bulky, how ya gonna walk with a log between your legs? Not the yellow ones either, too wide. Like a mattress in your groin. It's the green ones I like. The intimate. They hold me close just like I like to be held. And you should feel them! Padded like for a baby. Soft on my kielbasa and the surrounding real estate. It's been years since I've danced the hokey pokey down there. There used to be so many ladies but now my putz's nothing but a leaker. I got it down, how to change the pad alone. First you get to the foot of the bed. You cannot walk without the walker. That’s what Mavis says. You fall, break a bone, your next move’s to a nursing home and then the grave. So when you get to the foot of the bed you pull your briefs down around your ankles. I never wear pants. Too cumbersome. Only briefs. For that you keep the heat up high. Take it from me. Your groin’s gonna be wet, did I mention you should keep a towel at the foot of the bed? Which is what you should do if you have fingers stiff with the arthritis, not so good for gripping. Drag your schnutz across the towel to and fro, wag’em until you feel them good and dry. Then sit on the towel. Peel off the wet pad from your briefs and fold it in half. And this you gotta do: fold with the urine side out cause that sticky adhesive will get on your hands. A real nuisance. Mavis says I should wash my hands with Purell after touching the wet pad. Nasty, she calls it. What does she know? She thinks it’s all an unnecessary production. Next, roll the whole thing up. Then secure it with a #33 rubber band. The 33’s you gotta have. Has just the right heft. Then put the bundle with the others on the chair. Stack them up. I like to look at them overnight. I like to check their weight. In the morning I ask Mavis when she comes in, they’re pretty heavy right? She says, sure, then she throws ‘em out. Get the 3 pound bag of #33’s. Get a couple bags at once. That way you never worry of running out. Now shape the fresh pad into a smooth curve, over and over. Stroke it. This you can't do without, it's the shape of your groin that it has to match. Then take the sticky adhesive strip off and press the pad in place inside your briefs. I use Calvin Klein classics. Soft. Comfy. The ladies used to love them but handily now it’s the stretch. Just the right amount of fabric or you get twisted and fall. Break your hip? Say bye-bye. Now, knead the new pad into place, over and over, you smooth it down along the crotch of the CK’s. This is crucial. Keeps the pad from bunching up. Place it even. Not too far up. Not too far back. Otherwise it will come back to bite you. Then you stand. Grab the walker. Slowly for christ’s sake. Don't lose your balance, without the aide you never know. Pull your briefs up, inch by inch. Way up. Else you get a leak situation from the sides. You got to hitch them high. Especially in the back. Give it a yank or ask your girl to help. Then bring your hands back around front and smooth the whole bacalao. Make sure of this part. Rub your hands over your pouch. Rub it again then press and squeeze until it feels secure, like a baby in a cradle.